Not Afraid
by Hyperactive Lioness
Summary: The three years newly-banished Zuko and his crew spent searching for the Avatar; told through the eyes of Merit, a thirteen year old girl masquerading on the ship as her soldier brother, Inigo.
1. Prologue

**This is my new Avatar fanfic! I'm really excited about it, and I really like it. I hope you all will, too :)**

**I got all of the timeline stuff from AvatarWiki, and a lot of the information about the armor and the ships and the stuff that comes in later is from that site, too. "ASC" is the timeline "After Sozin's Comet", you can find the full timeline on the Wiki site.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Avatar, that's Mike and Bryan. I only own the characters you don't recognize!**

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**Not Afraid**

_"And I just can't keep living this way,_

_so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage..._

_I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons_

_I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground_

_I've had enough, now I'm so fed up,_

_Time to put my life back together right now..."_

_-Eminem, "Not Afraid"_

**Prologue: 99 ASC**

"Wake my uncle," Prince Zuko spat to me over his shoulder. "Tell him... Tell him that I've found the Avatar." My eyebrows furrowed under my helmet as I bowed slightly and turned on my heel towards General Iroh's chambers in the bowels of the ship.

Part of me believed Zuko; that this time it really was the Avatar, that our search was finally over, but it was a part of me that had been slowly dwindling ever since this journey had begun. We had been all over the four nations- even so far as the Western Air Temple- and none of our so-called "leads" had gotten us anywhere. Zuko was losing hope. All of us were.

"Hey, Inigo," Ji said amicably as we passed in the halls of the metal ship. "What's going on?"

"The Avatar," I said, making sure my voice was lowered to sound like a man, but after three years of practice, it was simply natural. Ji nodded, probably rolling his eyes under his helmet. Those two words said a lot to the members of Prince Zuko's crew. "I'm going to tell General Iroh."

Ji nodded again and moved on. I took off my helmet and ran a hand through my black hair, strategically cut in the latest style for boys. I assumed it was still in style, although we hadn't been to the Fire Nation in three long years. I sighed, drained after my encounter with Ji. It was getting harder with every passing day to keep up my disguise. It was one thing when I was thirteen, but now I was sixteen, with a new body, new problems, new emotions...

I shook my head. I had chosen this, chosen to be a soldier over the other alternative. Because my name wasn't really Inigo- that was my brother. My brother who I was masquerading as.

Because my name was Merit; I was a girl. And this is my story...

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**There you have it. I'll post the first chapter soon; it goes back three years in the past and tells all of the adventures that Zuko and his crew have as they're trying to find the Avatar. And of course, there's a new character in the drama, Merit, who's kept busy as a girl hiding in a shipful of men. **

**Review, please!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	2. 1: We Cry

**Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter! On we go!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Avatar! Even Inigo is part of the series; he's the firebender at the Fire Festival in the Water Book episode, "The Deserter". Y'know, the one that bends the dragon out of fire... Haha. Okay, moving on!**

**NOTE: I name my chapters after song titles, and the italic lyrics are a part of the song that I thought fit in well with the chapter. It's just my thing... Music inspires me. **

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**97 ASC**

**Chapter One: We Cry**

_"She thought that she'd be the one who could change the world,_

_Always trying to pave the way for women in a man's world..."_

_-The Script, "We Cry"_

"Message," the runner panted, holding out an elaborately bound scroll, "message for Lord Inigo." I reached for the scroll, then paused. I still hadn't gotten used to people calling my brother a _lord_, but then again, he was sixteen now. He had completed his firebending training. He was a man.

And yet... I didn't really believe it.

Maybe it was how the doors to our house in Caldera City slammed open, or how he sped through them, almost running over a few servants on the way, or how his black hair, _supposed _to be in a traditional topknot, was flying every which way. Inigo raced up to the messenger, and snatched the proffered scroll from his hand and flipped a gold coin to him, all in one fluid movement.

The flustered messenger grabbed his payment and bowed in the traditional Fire Nation way, and was off and running again. He looked almost grateful as he jogged through our gate.

"You're a mess," I said jokingly to Inigo, who waggled his eyebrows in that annoying way he had. "What does that scroll say, anyway?" My brother quickly unrolled the parchment, his eyes darting right down to the bottom of the message.

The broken seal fell to the ground as his hands slackened. I frowned and bent to retrieve it.

"This is the royal seal," I said disbelievingly. "What's the Fire Lord doing sending personal messages to _you_?" Inigo seemed just as confused as I was; his grey eyes got darker as he continued to read, and he bit his lower lip. That's when I knew it was serious.

"Inigo, what in Sozin's name is going on?" He rolled up the message and slid it into his pocket, a far-away look clouding his eyes as he turned to walk away from me. "Inigo!"

He spun back around. "Oh, sorry, Merit." I crossed my arms. "The message wasn't from the Fire Lord, it was from his brother. I've been asked by the Dragon of the West to be a soldier for Prince Zuko while he goes on some sort of journey. He's looking for eligible firebenders who aren't already soldiers... It's a great honor. Mother and father would want me to go, wouldn't they?" I ran a hand through my own black hair.

"But what about-" I shook my head and started over. "I thought that you- This isn't what you want to do with your life, Inigo!" His eyebrows furrowed together as he sat heavily on the grass. I followed his lead, drawing my legs close to my body.

My brother sighed heavily. "I know. I'm not cut out to be a soldier."

"Hey." I nudged him. "But you _can_ bend a mean dragon at the Fire Festival every year. That's something." He finally cracked a smile, and I grinned along with him. "You're one of the best benders I've ever seen. You'll make a great soldier, 'nigo. The best."

His smile disappeared. "I can't be a soldier, Merit." His voice sounded cold and hard. "I've been practicing my firebending tricks, and I decided yesterday that they're good enough to earn money. I'm finally going to get our of this place, travel, _learn _things." He paused for breath, and I jumped right in.

"And you're just telling me this _now_?" I said angrily, standing. "What about me? You're the only one keeping me sane, Inigo, you know that. And now you're just leaving?"

"Merit, I-"

"Save it, Inigo. You know that I've wanted to be a soldier ever since I can remember! And now you get a _personal request_ from General Iroh _himself_, and you're just going to throw it away to go play with fire?"

"And you know that _playing with fire_ is _my_ dream." He stood as well; we were nearly matched in height. "You sound like mom."

My eyes narrowed; that was low. "Whatever. Go. Leave. I don't need you, anyway. I _won't_ need you once they send me off to _Madam Shi's_." In turn, his eyes widened. Apparently, he hadn't been told.

"They're really going to send you there?" His voice sounded strangled, choked. I smiled bitterly.

"Yep. I'm going to learn how to pour tea and tie a topknot and how to _clean _swords, but not how to _weild _them." Inigo's expression looked pained.

"Will they at least continue your firebending training? You _could_ use some more practice..." It was an inside joke. My firebending was pathetic.

"No. It's not _ladylike._"

His strong arms were suddenly around me, crushing me in an embrace. "I'm so sorry, Merit," he whispered in my ear. "If I could, I'd send you to the Dragon of the West." I wrestled myself out of his hold.

"Say that again," I commanded eagerly.

"I'd send you to the Dragon of the West?" He sounded confused. I laughed out loud, looking him over. Black hair, grey eyes, wiry body, same height. We could have been twins, save for the fact he was three years older then I was.

"Would you?" I asked deviously, pointing to our reflections in a decorative fountain. His eyes widened knowingly.

"Do you really think..."

"That we should try? Of course I do." A devious grin spread slowly across his face. My brother wasn't one to back down from a challenge.

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**Thanks for reading, please review!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	3. 2: We Are Young

**Thanks to all of those who reviewed! Moving on...**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize!**

**DEDICATION: This chapter I dedicate to my best friend, Ed Westwicker, a.k.a. Sokka\Toph. I told you you'd watch Avatar one day :)**

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**Chapter Two: We Are Young**

_"We are young, we are young,_

_We drink, and we fight, and we love,_

_just because..."_

_-3Oh!3, "We Are Young"_

"Your head is huge," I grumbled as I looked at myself in the mirror in Inigo's bedroom. The red and grey helmet of a Fire Nation soldier slid down my nose, and I pushed it up _yet again_. "I feel ridiculous!"

"You don't look too bad." Inigo stood back, arms crossed, examining me. "We just need to tighten this, and this, and..." He went to work, adjusting the armor, and after a few minutes stood back, pleased with himself.

I placed the overlarge helmet on the floor, and turned to face my reflection.

"I look..." My eyes widened in awe. "Like a soldier!" A grin split Inigo's face as I took in my reflection. The armor was red, black, and grey, belted at the waist and ending at the knees, to give a firebender freedom of movement. Metal plates covered my shoulders, but the only thing protecting my arms and legs was fabric. Inigo's shoes were larger then my own, but he said he had his ways of procuring smaller shoes and a helmet.

"This is surreal," I continued, twisting to see my back. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Inigo raised an eyebrow at me, amused.

"I haven't been so excited since I got to stay home alone for a week last summer solstice," he replied. "But... I _did _think of something. You're going to be the only girl on a shipful of men for an extended amount of time. If they find out you're not a boy, there... Could be some, um, complications."

I cringed, trying not to think of what the _complications _could be. Inigo shot me a questioning look, but I shook my head vehemently. "I'll risk it. They won't find out."

Inigo also shook his head, seemingly saying _it's your decision._ "But if you _do _get in trouble, go to General Iroh. I heard that he's merciful."

_Merciful to girls masquerading as Fire Nation soldiers? _I thought. _That would be surprising._

My brother laid a hand on my shoulder. "You'll be fine, Merit. And none of the people on that ship even know what I look like or who I am, so for them, you're the real-deal Inigo." I shot him an odd look as I wriggled out of the armor, and he laughed. "Bearing that name is a great honor. Make sure you don't mess it up." And then, he sent a jaunty wink my way, just to say that he was only joking.

XxXxX

My parents were thrilled when I began packing for Madam Shi's without even a hint of resistance, but they were absolutely _ecstatic _when Inigo announced that he was off to be a soldier for Prince Zuko.

"I have no idea what this _journey _is," he explained as I eavesdropped, supposed to be packing. In truth, I was already all packed and ready to go; a meager amount of my belongings were shoved into Inigo's army-issue duffel bag. "And there's probably no way of contacting me."

"A small price to pay." My father stood and clapped Inigo on the back. "Well done, son. I guess that fancy fire actually paid off." My parents didn't see how Inigo's shoulders tensed, how his face hardened, but I did, and it convinced me even further that what we were doing was right.

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**There you have it! Sorry about the length of the chapter, I'm trying to keep them a bit shorter so I can update sooner. And don't worry, the real characters... Well, one of them, will show up soon! Review, please!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	4. 3: Optimist

**Ah, I have a headache. Anyways, once again thanks to all you awesome reviewers. Keep on keepin' on, and it'll get more interesting, I promise. And also, go read mine and Ed Westwicker's Avatar story, Little Voice.**

**DISCLAIMER: Go see other chapters if you really care!**

**DEDICATION: To one of my biffs, theaterchick21. I miss you so bad! :'(**

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**Chapter Three: Optimist**

_"Ready, set, here I come,_

_Take the world by storm,_

_Grab life by the horns_

_While I'm still young..."_

_-Lady Gaga, "Optimist"_

Everything was going according to plan. My mother had hired a carriage and a pair of imported ostrich-horses, as she deemed the journey _too far_ to be taken by palanquin, just as Inigo had predicted. My brother himself had already left, telling my parents that he was making the long trek to the harbor on foot. As I caught a glimpse of the golden statue of Fire Lord Ozai that marked the entrance into Harbor City, I realized that it was time to put my part of the plan into action.

I slid open the little glass pane separating me from the driver, and tapped him on the shoulder. He flinched.

"Oh, Miss Merit. What's the matter?"

"Nothing, really," I replied. "I'm just going to try and sleep, so I just wanted to tell you, um, not to wake me up, because I'd like to be well-rested before we reach Madam Shi's, and..." I stopped myself, really hoping I wasn't babbling. I do that when I'm nervous.

"Will do, Miss Merit." The driver sounded a little unsure as he made a little salute-type-thing, and I once again closed the glass pane, sliding curtains over that and all of the windows.

Confident that I wouldn't be disturbed, I wriggled out of the dress that I was wearing and into some of Inigo's old clothing. Thank Sozin that his feet were smaller back then. Next, I took the oblong bag that I had insisted on having with me, telling my mother that it held the dress I wanted to wear for my introduction at Madam Shi's (she believed me, of course) and opened it.

A dummy fell out. It was clumsily made out of pillows and some sort of tar that I had helped Inigo melt with our firebending. I wrestled it into my dress, arranged it like it was sleeping, face hidden, and draped one of my mother's wigs over it's head, which Inigo had stolen from her closet.

I admired my handiwork. It wouldn't be any good for close inspection, once the carriage reached Madam Shi's I would be found out, but hopefully by then I was off and away on Prince Zuko's ship. I glanced at my replica of myself again; from the driver's point of view he would only see a sleeping Merit. Excellent.

I grabbed the old army-issue bag from it's hiding place under the carriage seat, slid open the door without making a sound, and dropped to the cobbled streets. The driver, absorbed with berating two kids for attempting to pet the ostrich-horses, didn't notice. I turned my face toward the statue of Fire Lord Ozai and the flaming sunrise as I began to search for Inigo.

XxXxX

He was there, leaning nonchalantly against the gold base of the statue. When he saw me, he hefted the bag that was at his feet, grabbed my arm, and led me to a dark, squalid back alley.

"Get in your armor," he commanded, shoving the bag at me. "I'll keep watch." I stumbled under the sheer weight of whatever he had handed me, accidentally dropping it in the muck covering the cobblestones.

"Inigo," I complained, "it's disgusting back here!" I caught a glimpse of an eye roll as he pulled my helmet out of the bag and handed it to me.

"First soldier lesson," he said. "Your armor's your best friend. It protects you, saving your life in some situations, so treat it nice. Keep it clean, oil it, treat it like your life depends on it, because _it does_." I shrank back, clutching the helmet.

"And second," he continued, "you think _this_ is disgusting? How about bathrooms on a ship? Get used to it, Merit. You're not a lady anymore." He caught a glimpse of my face, and his harsh expression softened. "You can still go back, you know. This is nothing like you've ever done before, sis. It's going to be hard. Like, manual labor hard."

I exhaled through my mouth as I had been taught while learning firebending from Inigo, a determined expression creeping across my face. "I've never been a lady, you know that. And I'll make it through, Inigo, okay? So don't you worry about me."

He helped me cinch my belt around my waist, smiling almost sadly as he looked at me. "I'll worry about you far more then you'll know." I frowned. When Inigo used his _serious _voice, then he really meant it.

"Thanks, 'nigo." I gave him a clumsy hug, the best I could manage covered in metal plates. "But, look at this." I held out my clenched fist, and suddenly opened it. A flame blossomed on my palm, and I smiled over at him. "See? I've been practicing."

Inigo's face split into a grin, the corners of his eyes crinkling the way that I loved. "I think you'll be just fine. Now, come on. You've got a ship to catch."

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**Review, please!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	5. 4: Bleed

**Meh. On with the story!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Avatar... And an actual character shows up in this chapter! Go Iroh!**

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**Chapter Four: Bleed**

_"I've always dreamed about this moment,_

_But now it's here and I've turned to stone..."_

_-Hot Chelle Rae, "Bleed"_

After Inigo had pointed out Prince Zuko's ship- it was so _small _compared to the others- he left me. People were milling around, so he only gave me a strong pat on the back, man to man, and left to fulfill _his _dreams.

We were early, the letter from General Iroh that Inigo had pressed into my hands (along with a small leather bag he said to open if and when I ran into troubles with my disguise), told me to report to the ship at high noon. I wandered to the side of the harbor, then looked down into the clear water.

As I slid off my helmet, I almost didn't recognize myself. Early that morning, Inigo had hacked off most of my black hair, leaving just enough to gather up into a small ponytail. My head felt so light- I hadn't had a haircut since I was four years old. We had also shaved back my hairline a bit, emphasizing the forehead as was the style for young men.

_I look like a boy,_ I marveled as I slid my helmet back over my head and headed towards Prince Zuko's ship. _Okay, Merit, this is it, _I told myself as I faced the gangplank. _Remember, you're sixteen, a man, named Inigo, and on the spirits above, don't think about what you're doing!_

I gritted my teeth and made myself put one foot after another until I was on the deck of the ship, and facing a short, jovial-looking man with a gray topknot and an ample stomach.

"Welcome," he said, his friendly voice having an undertone of graveness to it. "I understand you are one of the recipients of my message?"

My mouth gaped open like a fish, but I quickly closed it. _This _was General Iroh? The Dragon of the West? The one who laid siege to Ba Sing Se for six hundred days? I expected him to look less... Nice? Happy? Like he could be a lovable _grandpa_? I coughed.

"Um, yes. I'm Inigo." I remembered to lower my voice like my brother had told me, but not enough to sound fake.

"Ah," General Iroh exclaimed, smiling widely. "The tamer of the dragons at the Fire Festivals?" I smiled weakly.

"That's me."

"Excellent! I'll have to request that you preform for me and your fellow soldiers one night; I'm afraid we'll be in due need of entertainment before long."

"Maybe one night, general," I replied respectfully, inwardly hoping that my brother's skills weren't _too_ widely known. The general clapped me on the shoulder; I struggled to stay upright.

"Please, just call me Iroh. And I apologize for my nephew's absence; he's not feeling well." I had no idea of what to say, so I just nodded, and Iroh continued. "Thank you for coming, Inigo." He sounded sincerely grateful, and once again laid a hand on my armored shoulder. "None of the soldiers that Ozai gave us were benders, and I knew we would be in need of firepower before the end." He patted my shoulder and moved along to greet the next man that had arrived.

I frowned. Something wasn't right here, but I shook off the feeling, hefted the small bag that held all of my material possessions, and followed a group of other soldiers belowdeck.

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**There you have it! I hope I got Iroh alright... Anyway, sorry it was so short. Review, please!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	6. 5: Different Now

**Here we go, chapter five! Hope it pleases :)**

**DISCLAIMER: I only own my characters!**

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**Chapter Five: Different Now**

_"It was like the calm before the storm,_

_That comes like it always does, like it always does..."_

_-The Classic Crime, "Different Now"_

After I claimed a top bunk in one of the lower barracks, we were summoned once again to the top deck as the ship slowly moved out of the harbor. General Iroh stood before us, flanked by two higher-up soldiers. He smiled.

"Thank you, once again, for deciding to come with us on this journey," Iroh began, looking over all of us. "It will be long, hard, and thought impossible at some points, but I know that my nephew and myself are grateful."

Right then, a bellow of pain came from belowdeck somewhere. I flinched, and so did most of the other men, it was so deafening and unexpected. I saw as General Iroh's eyes widen in concern, and he rushed past us and down the stairs, out of sight.

I blinked twice and shook my head, the salt sting of the sea breeze bringing me back to my senses as we passed a small rock island with the familiar red and black flag flying from it. "There's the border," a man standing near me muttered. "Get a last glimpse of the Fire Nation. We're traitors, now."

"What?" I stumbled backwards as a ferocious swell rocked the ship. "Traitors?" The man gave me a pitying look.

"Don't you know what you signed up for, boy?" he asked, his tone kind. "And how old are you, anyway? A little young to be on a wild goose chase for the Avatar, aren't you?"

"I'm sixteen," I said defensively, but then my mouth dropped open. "The _Avatar_?" The man chuckled.

"Follow me," he said, leading me belowdeck and through winding passageways until we reached the barracks. He sat on the bunk directly underneath mine, and pulled a slip of paper from underneath his mattress, unfolding it.

"To Corporal Ji Lin," he read. "That's me, although I just go by Ji." He shook out the paper dramatically. "Recently, my brother, Fire Lord Ozai, banished his son and my nephew, Prince Zuko, until the prince successfully finds and captures the Avatar. I understand how this may seem impossible, but there is a chance that we could succeed, and if we do, the rewards will be great.

"Please consider being a soldier and a firebender for myself and Prince Zuko." Ji folded up the letter. "Then it gives a list of directions and instructions to get to the ship." He glanced at me. "Didn't you read the letter?"

I buried my head in my hands. Inigo had always had problems skipping ahead when he was reading from scrolls and books back home; he must have just read the end of the message, and had gotten all excited. In the midst of everything, I hadn't had the time to stop and read it for myself like I had wanted to. I squeezed my eyes shut.

A traitor to the Fire Nation.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

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**Thanks for reading, please review!**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


	7. 6: What's A Girl To Do?

**Chapter six, whoo!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize!**

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**Chapter Six: What's A Girl To Do?**

_"When your dreams are on_

_A train to train-wreck town,_

_Then I ask you now,_

_What's a girl to do?"_

_-Bat For Lashes, "What's A Girl To Do?"_

"All right, men, listen up!"

We had been given the rest of the previous day to rest up and to get used to the ship, which, truth be told, I still wasn't fully accommodated to. It had looked small on the outside, next to all of the hulking war ships, but the inside was a vast maze of metal passageways and rooms that I doubted I'd ever fully learn. Then, early in the morning, we were herded to the top deck and made to stand in a straight line in front of a gruff-looking man with grey sideburns and dark eyes.

"Our destination is the Western Air temple," the man, Captain Yuan, said roughly. "It should be deserted, but it would be a natural hideout for the Avatar, as he _is _the last of the airbenders. I want all helmets on at all times, and all of you need to be anticipating a fight, even though it is extremely unlikely that we'll get one. Clear?" We all nodded at once. "Good. Follow me, and I'll distribute the weapons."

Captain Yuan led us to the deepest part of the ship, where all of the supplies were kept. We were all given spears, and the non-firebenders were given swords. Yuan informed us that benders were required to use fire in close-quarter fights, and I swallowed hard.

_My bending's not good enough to be seen at the Fire Festival, let alone to be used to protect my life in a battle!_

We trekked back up to the top deck, where General Iroh was waiting for us. Under his supervision, Yuan divided us into groups of two, and told us to fight each other.

A startled "What?" burst from my lips, but it was drowned out by the deafening noise of thirty or more swords being unsheathed and the crackle of fire. My partner, his face hidden my his helmet, his sword held at the ready, began circling me.

"Come on, bender boy," he taunted, noticing that I didn't have a sword, "let's see what your pretty fire can do." And then he charged at me.

A terrified squeak came from me as I ducked to avoid his first blow, and I was instantly gratified that Inigo hadn't heard it. With a roar like an angry komodo-rhino, the man I was supposed to be fighting lunged again, and this time I fell to my knees and rolled once as I had seen Inigo do, springing back to my feet.

Unfortunately, I had jumped right in the way of my opponent's next blow, but thank Sozin the blade hadn't been sharpened in a while, it just slammed into the back of my helmeted head.

I screamed out as I fell, and white and red fireworks exploded in my vision. Rolling onto my back and clutching my head, I realized that liquid was coming from underneath my helmet, and I screamed again. It was blood.

"Chet!" Yuan bellowed, stalking up to the two of us. Every footstep that landed on the metal deck sent vibrations of pain scurrying into my brain, and I moaned. My opponent, Chet, took of his helmet, scowling mightily. "What did you do to him?" Yuan asked, gesturing to me. Chet's scowl deepened.

"What you told me to do, Captain, I fought him. He just didn't fight back."

Yuan bent to glare into my pain-filled eyes. "Is this true, soldier?" he hissed. I groaned and managed the best nod that I could. Anger flared on Yuan's already furious face. "Then you deserve everything you got. Get up, boy, and go again." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get to my feet, but yet another explosion of agony went off in my mind.

A solitary tear trickled down my face and onto the metal deck as Chet's laughter reached my ears. "Fire Nation soldiers never run away or cower!" Yuan bellowed. "They stand and fight, or have you no pride?"

_The pain isn't there, _I tried telling myself as I ground my teeth together and slowly arose. _You can fight through it, Merit. Just keep standing. And now the fight begins. You can make fire; remember all that Inigo taught you. Breathe in deeply..._

And then Chet's blunt sword slammed into my side, and I fell before making a single flame.

"He's pathetic," I heard my opponent mutter as blackness crept into my vision. "He fights like a girl. _Worse _then a girl, even."

And then I was gone.

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**R&R, it makes my day! :)**

**:Hyperactive Lioness:**


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